Jokes

Steve’s Favorite Jokes!

Lovemaking tips for seniors:

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 2 minutes, just in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner’s name on your hand just in case you can’t remember.

6. Keep the Poly-grip close by so your teeth don’t end up under the bed.

7. Have Extra-Strength Tylenol ready just in case you actually complete what you started.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it happens, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don’t even think about trying it twice.

* A French Scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with declining sexual activity read their e-mails with their right hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off, it’s too late…….!!

BAR JOKES
Three blondes: A man is having a Friday night drink in a dimly lit bar. He makes his way to a table and sits down. He leans over to the big women next to him and say’s “I know this killer blonde joke. Do you want to hear it?”

“Before you do you ought to know that I’m a blonde 6ft tall and 12 stone and a professional body builder. The women sitting next to me is also a blonde 6ft 2 inches and she’s 13 stone a kick boxer and next to her is also a blonde she’s 5ft 10 inches karate black belt who fights for Great Britain.”

“Oh well” says the man “In that case I won’t bother with the joke I can’t be bothered to explain it three times.”

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Pint of Less: A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, “Can I have a pint of Less, please?”

“I’m sorry sir,” the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, “I’ve not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?”

“I’ve no idea,” replies the guy, “The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.”

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Drinking together: A man walks into a pub and says, “Give me three pints of Guinness, please.”

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they’re gone.

He then orders three more, and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”

The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in England. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness stouts too and we’re drinking together.”

The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I’m sorry that one of your brothers died.”

The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine – I just quit drinking.”
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Sign on beer: A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn’t want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, ‘I spat in this beer, do not drink!’.

After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, ‘So did I!’
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Scotch: A man runs into a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me twenty of your best single malt scotch, quick!”

The bartender pours the shots, and the man drinks them down, one at a time, as fast as he can.

The bartender says, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”

The man says, “well you’d drink them that fast if you had what I have.”

The bartender says, “Oh my god. What is it? What do you have?”

The man says, “Fifty cents.”
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Falls on his face: A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

“Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

“Screw it,” he thought. “I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

“You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said.

“Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly. “How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”
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Texas size: A green horned northerner went down to Texas on vacation. One evening he decided to go for a drink at his hotel’s bar. Swinging a leg over the stool he calls out, “Barkeep, I’d like a beer.”

The barkeep asks, “You want a Texas size beer?”

Without hesitation the northerner answers, “Yep! I want it Texas sized.”

The barkeep goes to get the beer and brings back a barrel of beer. The northerner looks in surprise at the size of his beer. “Well, if I’m going to drink all this I better get some popcorn.”

“Texas size?” The barkeep ask.

Nodding the northerner says, “Yep! Texas size.”

The barkeep leaves and brings back a bushel basket of popcorn and puts it beside the northerner. A long time later the barrel of beer is almost empty and the popcorn gone. The northerner sees the barkeep and motioning him over slurs out, “Where’s the bathroom?”

The barkeep points down a hallway. “Just go down that hall and take the first door on the left.”

The Northerner stumbles and staggers down the hall but instead of taking the first door on the left he takes the first door on the right. He goes into the dark room looking for a light switch and falls into the hotel swimming pool.

“HELP! HELP!” He cries out. The barkeep runs into the room and turns on the light.

The northerner in a panic cries out. “Don’t flush it! Don’t flush it!”
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Magic mirror: Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie — *poof* — you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

Sooooo, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.” — *poof* The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the sexiest woman alive.” — *poof* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, “I think….” — *poof*.
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A drunkard’s logic: A drunkard’s logic:

If you drink, you get drunk.

If you get drunk, you go to sleep.

If you go to sleep, you do not sin.

If you do not sin, you go to heaven.

Therefore, Drink and Go to heaven!
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West Virginians

Only a West Virginian knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who’s got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor’s trouble is real bad, add a banana pudding and hot coffee..
Only a West Virginian knows the difference between a hissy fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “HAVE” them, you “PITCH” them.

Only a West Virginian knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip
greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”

Only a West Virginian can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.” (I constantly had to explain this to folks in the Army)

Only a West Virginian knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in:
“Going to town, be back directly.”

Even West Virginia babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a
request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty
little bowl in the middle of the table.

All West Virginians know exactly when “by and by” is. They might
not use the term, but they know the concept well. They also
know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.

No true West Virginian would ever assume that the car with the
flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

A West Virginian knows that “fixin” can be used as a noun, a
verb, or an adverb.

Only West Virginians make friends while standing in lines. We
don’t do “queues,” we do lines”; and when we’re in line,” we
talk to everybody!

Put 100 West Virginians in a room and half of ! them will discover
they’re related, even if only by marriage.

West Virginians never refer to one person as “ya’ll.”

West Virginians know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
(Would like to have some now.)

Every West Virginian knows that with eggs, bacon, grits, and
coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red eye gravy is also a
breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a
breakfast food. (When hungry they are good!)

When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,”
you know you are in the presence of a genuine West Virginian!

Only true West Virginians say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet
tea indicates the need for suggar and lots of it — we do not like our tea
unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.

And a true West Virginian knows you don’t scream obscenities at
little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just
say, “Bless her heart, she’s doin’ the best she can.” and go
your own way

To those of you who’re still a little embarrassed by your West Virginia
heritage:
Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me
in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time
understanding all this West Virginia stuff, bless your hearts,
I hear they are fixin’ to have classes on West Virginia talk as a
second language!

And for those that are not from West Virginia but have lived here
for a long time, ya’ll need a sign to hang on ya’lls front porch that reads “I aint from West Virginia but I got here as fast as I could.”

Bless your hearts, Ya’ll have a blessed day.

Getting to Know DC First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name. It is D.C., or “the District”. Only tourists call it Washington.Next, if your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. It’s obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it’s already obsolete.There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in D.C. It’s just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.All dire! ctions start with “The Beltway”…which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an “inner” and ‘outer loop’ designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the Beltway.The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning, especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington. They’ll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a seizure.If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at.If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 picture you will receive courtesy of DMV. (Howev! er, if you don’t go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cus sed out in 382 languages, none of them English.)Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers.Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to the Giant for toilet paper and milk.Don’t forget that if your destination is only a mile away, it will take at least 30 minutes to get there due to traffic congestion, the idiot in the BMW SUV who thinks he has to conduct a conference call to negotiate world peace while swerving all over the road, the scores of newcomers who decide to cross the road when there’s a mass of cars coming at them going 80 mph thus causing everyone to slam on their brakes which leads to…an accident…and the sadistic? people who have to stare at the fender bender.Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It’s ironic that it’s called an “Interstate” but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do). Opening in the 60’s, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a “Spur” section which is even more confusing.All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh, we’re in Takoma Park.”If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, tourist.Car horns are actually “Road Rage” indicators. Heed the warning.All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don’t ask why, no one knows.If you stop to ask directions in Southeast…well, just don’t…unless you’re asking directions to the ! nearest drug dealer or looking to buy guns.A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two block will cost you $16.75 (It’s a zone thing, you wouldn’t understand).Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/295/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do. There is nothing more comforting then seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!!The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.The Beltway is our daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go.The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the “slow” lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also.The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official “chat” lanes reserved fo! r drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All mini-vans and SUVs have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.If it’s 10 degrees, it’s Orioles’ opening day. If it’s 110 degrees, it’s the Skins opening day.If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it’s May, June, July, August, September, and sometimes October.Always remember this little rule on the Metro: Stand right, walk left. People WILL knock you down the Metro elevator and shout nasty things again, in every dialect known to man EXCEPT English — if you do not follow this little rule. DC’ers are busy, important people who don’t have time to stand behind the 40 kids in Boy Scout Troup 325 visiting from Nowhere, Nebraska. And we’ll tell you that too!A handy-dandy tip when bar-hopping: Unless you’re on a first-name basis with the President, Condy Rice, certain Senators or Representatives, or Don! ald Rumsfield..you get the idea…no one cares about you or your life story. Again, DC’ers are busy, important people who only want to talk to other busy, important people. We are not friendly folks looking to meet new likeminded people; we only want to know what you can do for us…otherwise, get out of the way and stop boring us.You eventually grow to appreciate the looney people who leave strange boxes, usually full of refrigerators or fans, near buildings, or the idiot pilots who can’t see the BIG WHITE HOUSE that every 3rd grader in the nation could identify by sight. You’ll appreciate the pilot in a no fly zone because it means that you’ll get a day off due to your place of work being evacuated. And it won’t count as vacation!!

Subject:  Those fabulous Jewish Comedians.
 

Jewish Comedians.

LOOK AT THESE NAMES !!

THOSE WERE THE DAYS MY FRIEND, WE THOUGHT THEY’D NEVER END.

THESE ONE LINERS ARE HISTORIC !!!!

Those fabulous Jewish Comedians.

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days:

Shecky Greene,
Red Buttons,
Totie Fields,
Joey Bishop,
Milton Berle,
Jan Murray,
Danny Kaye,
Henny Youngman,
Buddy Hackett,
Sid Caesar,
Groucho Marx,
Jackie Mason,
Woody Allen,
Lenny Bruce,
George Burns,
Allan Sherman,
Jerry Lewis,
Carl Reiner,
Shelley Berman,
Gene Wilder,
George Jessel,
Alan King,
Mel Brooks,
Phil Silvers,
Jack Carter,
Rodney Dangerfield,
Don Rickles,
Jack Benny
Mansel Rubenstein
and so many others.
There was not one single swear word in their comedy.

Here are a few examples:

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds
out, she’ll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she’s making love?
“Honey, I’m home!”

Someone stole all my credit cards but I won’t be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night;
only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it
the Dead Sea.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn’t pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, “Mrs. Cohen, your check came back. ”
Mrs. Cohen answered, “So did my arthritis!”

Doctor: “You’ll live to be 60!” Patient: “I am 60!”
Doctor: “See! What did I tell you?”

Patient:”I have a ringing in my ears.”
Doctor:”Don’t answer!”

A drunk was in front of a judge.
The judge says, “You’ve been brought here for drinking.”
The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They’re worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like
Chinese food so much.
The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled
backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins.
In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates
from medical school.

Q:Why don’t Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q:Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida ,
“Mom, how are you?”
“Not too good,” said the mother. “I’ve been very weak.”
The son said, “Why are you so weak?”
She said, “Because I haven’t eaten in 38 days.”
The son said, “That’s terrible.Why haven’t you eaten in 38 days?”
The mother answered,”Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food
if you should call.”

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in
the play.
She asks, “What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”
“The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell the teacher you want a
speaking part.”

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:(Sigh) “Don’t bother. I’ll sit in the dark. I don’t want to be a
nuisance to anybody.”

Short summary of every Jewish holiday:
They tried to kill us. We won. Let’s eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street
and said,
“Lady, I haven’t eaten in three days.”
“Force yourself,” she replied.

Q: What’s the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler will let go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A:Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.

Memories of the good old days.